Learning how to deal with dysfunctional family members is key to emotional wellbeing

Family relationships can be some of the most significant and influential connections in our lives. However, when these relationships are dysfunctional, they can also be sources of considerable stress and emotional turmoil.
Learning how to navigate interactions with dysfunctional family members is essential for maintaining your emotional wellbeing and ensuring that these relationships do not negatively affect your mental health.
Catherine*, 41, spent more than two decades attempting to win her mother’s approval and admiration. “I know she loves me deeply and is always helping me out,” Catherine said in our first therapy session, “but she couldn’t help but criticise me in every way – how I looked, how I was raising my two children, even how I would park my car. She had set impossible standards for me, and it became too much for me to handle.”
Despite her mother’s love and support, the relentless criticism wore down Catherine’s self-esteem. Every aspect of her life seemed subject to scrutiny, leaving her feeling inadequate and perpetually anxious. The pressure to meet her mother’s expectations was overwhelming, causing her to question her abilities as a mother, professional, and individual.
“I reached a breaking point when I realised I was passing on this anxiety to my own children,” Catherine said. “I didn’t want them to grow up feeling the same pressure and inadequacy that I did.”
This realisation prompted Catherine to seek professional help. Through group and individual therapy, she learned the importance of setting boundaries and prioritising her own emotional wellbeing.
Catherine’s journey is a poignant reminder of the impact that familial relationships can have on our mental health. Her experience underscores the necessity of addressing dysfunctional dynamics and finding ways to foster healthier interactions. Through therapy, Catherine began to establish boundaries with her mother, ensuring their relationship could continue in a way that was supportive rather than damaging. “I know that learning to assert myself and protect my own mental health was crucial. I still love my mother, but I now understand that I need to take care of myself first.”
Dysfunctional family dynamics can manifest in various ways, including constant conflict, manipulation, lack of support or inappropriate boundaries. Common characteristics of dysfunctional families include poor communication, excessive criticism, emotional neglect and control issues. These dynamics can stem from various factors, such as unresolved trauma, mental health issues, substance abuse, overbearing personalities or deeply ingrained family patterns.
Recognising these behaviours is the first step toward addressing them. Understanding that dysfunction in family relationships is often rooted in longstanding patterns and not solely a reflection of your actions can help you approach the situation more objectively.
One of the most effective strategies for dealing with dysfunctional family members is setting clear and firm boundaries. Boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional health and ensuring that interactions with family members are not overwhelming or harmful. It is crucial to develop the confidence to articulate how others’ behaviour affects us.
Acknowledging and expressing the impact of their actions helps us become more attuned to our own needs and identify the boundaries necessary to protect our wellbeing. By considering how another’s behaviour influences us, we understand the limits that will support and sustain our mental and emotional health.
1. Identify your limits: Reflect on what behaviours are unacceptable to you and what situations make you feel uncomfortable or stressed.
2. Communicate clearly: Express your boundaries to family members in a calm and assertive manner. Be specific about what you need and why it is important to you.
3. Be consistent: Enforce your boundaries consistently. Family members may need time to adjust, but consistency is key to establishing respect.
4. Prioritise self-care: Ensure that you are taking care of your own needs and wellbeing, even if it means limiting contact with certain family members.
In addition to setting boundaries, developing healthy coping strategies is crucial for managing interactions with dysfunctional family members. These strategies can help you stay grounded and maintain your emotional wellbeing:
1. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, or journaling, can help you stay calm and centred during challenging interactions.
2. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend, therapist or support group can provide valuable perspective and emotional support.
3. Limit exposure: If possible, limit the amount of time you spend with dysfunctional family members. It is OK to prioritise your mental health over family obligations.
4. Focus on the positive: Try to focus on positive aspects of your life and relationships. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment.
While it is important to manage interactions with dysfunctional family members, it is equally important to cultivate healthy relationships with others. Building a supportive network of friends, mentors, and positive family members can provide a sense of belonging and emotional security. Spend quality time with those who bring out the best in you. Engage in activities that you enjoy together and create lasting memories.
If the stress from dealing with dysfunctional family members becomes overwhelming, seek professional help. Therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists can provide tools and strategies for managing stress, improving communication and setting boundaries. Family therapy can also be beneficial in addressing underlying issues and improving overall family dynamics. Remember, prioritising your mental health is not selfish – it is necessary for living a balanced and fulfilling life.
*Name has been changed for privacy, and Catherine’s story is an amalgam of several cases
In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org